Here I Go Again On My Own

Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
And I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time 

When all else fails, turn to prescription drugs

I’ve made up my mind yet again to quit smoking. This time though I’m going right to the big guns. The patch and lozenge can bite me. 

I used Chantix 2 years ago and quit for over a month. The prescription is a whopping $200/month and at the time I couldn’t afford it. So I took the pansy way out, got drunk and smoked my first cigarette in 30 days. I hated it but at the same time I loved it. The menthol. The cool hit in the back of my throat. My hands instantly stopped shaking. My mind cleared. My body said, “see you were meant to use us”. 

I hate myself for that. 

Almost a year ago I decided it was time to try again. I opted for the gum but it made my teeth ache like the dickens. I don’t do pain. So I bought a pack to get me through one day and promised myself only a couple a day and I would cut one more out each week. That lasted for about 2 days. 

A few weeks later I decided it was time to quit again. This time opting for the patch. It made my arm itch like the dickens. I could deal with itching. What pray tell was I supposed to freaking do with my hands and my mouth? The patch is a joke. Plus if you are smoking a pack a day, one patch doesn’t even touch the amount of actual nicotine your body is used to. I was nauseous, dizzy, bitchy, whinny and hungry. My feet said goodbye and I kissed the patch goodbye. 

Smokey McSmokerson I was. 

October/November came and oh my goodness it was time again. Mixed the patch with the lozenges and did good. Quit for a couple of weeks. Seriously too. Something happened. Something stressed me out. Something broke me. Something forced me to the store and put a pack of Newport Lights in my hand. Something so major that I can’t even remember what it was. 

In March it was time once again. This time deciding to do the couple a day and cut out each week. I was down to 3 a day. Except of course while drinking, then it was fair game. Uh-huh riiiight. Because you would totally tell an alcoholic that as long as they didn’t have more than 2/day they were fine. Because you could totally stop an alcoholic at 2/day. 

Finally, yesterday I was at the Dr. for an unrelated issue and ended up with a prescription for Chantix. The Man and I talked briefly and regardless of the cost decided it was the way I was going to have to go. Luckily we learned the my new health insurance covers the majority of the cost. 

My lack of will-power over the last year has been disheartening to say the least. 

Do I think this is the time that I finally succeed? I don’t know, to be honest. After so many failures it’s hard to think that I actually can. 

Am I a weak person? Abso-freaking-lutely, I know this. 

I also know that there is no other option. It’s do or die time for more reasons than I care to discuss. 

So tomorrow will hopefully be my first dose and next Friday May 28th will hopefully be my quit day. And maybe the 8th time is the charm? 

Don’t worry, even though we aren’t together, I can feel the doubt pouring off of all of you. Maybe a bit of judgement too. Thats ok.

Also, I NEED to fit into my wedding dress for a party on July 2nd so I’m also dieting. Because rather than rig my dress to fit around my gut I’ve decided to make the Man prove his love for me by dealing with a nicotine deprived & hungry wife. He’s stoked, trust.